Dear Avery and Oliver,
Here we are at the end of 2020 and I feel like I am still trying to process the year. The last time I wrote a letter to you was back in March and my how things have changed. I wanted to write to you because this has become a huge part of our history. And while I will never forget it, down the road some of the little details may leave me. Right before Oliver's birthday, things were starting to ramp up at mommy's work. Covid became a reality and I was exposed. Luckily I was wearing a mask and doing what I could at the time, but proper protection was limited and I decided to go get tested. While waiting for results I had to keep my distance and wear a mask at home. It was scary and confusing for you seeing me in a mask all of the time. It was all still fairly new and scary. On Oliver's first birthday I couldn't give him a kiss and I barely held him in case I was positive. Maura had recently begun her chemo in the beginning of the year and to keep her safe, Grammy had to stop watching you during work hours. Mimi was practically living at our house to help us out until I was exposed. Between the all of these factors, daddy and I decided I needed to stay home. I took a leave of absence from work. My test came back negative and now I was officially a stay at home mommy. I am extremely grateful and fully aware that not everyone had that luxury. Daddy was able to make it work for us and it was the best thing for our family.
I got to spend 103 special days with you both. If there was any silver lining to this entire thing, that would be it. I don't think I will ever get that many days with the two of you in a row ever again. And during the prime toddler ages - ain't nothing better! In that time I got myself a new job working in a school system and I was also let go of my job at the nursing home because the leave I took. It was hard for me to process. My coworkers were still working - fellow therapists worked as LNAs just to keep the resident's safe, clean, fed. Residents that I built relationships with were dying. Covid ran ramped through the building and I "made it out" just before it did because I was one of the first exposed. There was a weird guilt. As a mom I will always vow to put you first and that is what I did and I had to come to terms with it. You were safe, healthy and happy.
Sometimes it is hard to look at the positive side of all of this. During this pandemic there has been a lot of negative news. We are doing the best we can to keep things somewhat normal. It was easier in the summer. There were a lot of ways to social distance and do fun things outside. Now that it is winter, that is a lot harder to do safely. This year has been so weird. Stores eventually replenished toilet paper, cleaning supplies and other necessities - but it took some time. Masks are worn. Social distancing. Groceries ordered to go. Remote/online learning. Visiting Santa through plexy glass instead of sitting on his lap. This has become the new normal.
Oliver, you know no difference at this point. You grew from infancy into toddlerhood during this pandemic. During the summer we brought you to whatever we could safely so you could get out of the house. But otherwise you have been pretty much were at home or at either grandparent's house. You too, Avery. We spent a lot of time at the lake this summer. A good change of scenery and a nice getaway. Avery, you definitely know the difference this pandemic has made on our lives. Back in March I thought you wouldn't remember. To be honest, I did not know what to expect. But I thought things would be back to normal a lot sooner than this. I was wrong. I think this is something you will definitely remember, in your own way. You have an understanding of the sacrifices that we are making in order to stay safe. At times you try to negotiate and sweetly state "But I'll wear my mask!" You often talk about how badly you want to go on a plane, how badly you want to see family who live far away and how badly you want to do gymnastics again "once every is better and no one has a runny nose anymore." I am thankful you have been able to attend pre-kindergarten in person. As well as horse lessons. These two things I hold onto so dearly because they are your only normal right now. You began to wear a mask to school like a champ. I have never been so proud of you like I have been through this whole pandemic. You are resilient; most kids have been. A lot more than some adults. Your hands are chapped from hand sanitizer and constant handwashing. But you continue to go to school with the biggest smile. Learning so much and having fun with your friends. You are always so appreciative of our time and the things we do. You always say something like “today was perfect” and you genuinely mean it. You continue to do well with your horse lessons; improving each week with Melissa's training. You fell off of a horse just last week. You were brave and you got back on the horse again. You are a perfectionist and the hardest critic on yourself. Horse lessons and learning to ski have been great tests of your perseverance but I think the greatest test has been this pandemic.
We are finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. A vaccine is starting to be administered to the front line workers. Eventually distributed to anyone who wants one, over time. I try to keep this in mind. That this will eventually be over. We have made it about 10 months without getting covid. Daddy and I have done our best to keep us all safe. We have kept our bubble very small. You miss your friends and your family from far away. SO MANY sacrifices that if I think about it too much it would swallow me up and bring me to my knees. I keep telling myself it's for the best. I keep telling myself it is temporary. That I would rather make these sacrifices because at the other end of the spectrum; the unfathomable, is not worth the risk. And that is 100% the truth. Sometimes the extreme that daddy goes to can drive me absolutely CRAZY but I know the driving force behind it is your safety. At the beginning of all of this I said I hope you remember how much you are loved and how safe you felt. The panic that was at the beginning of the pandemic has gone away for a lot of people, it seems. Maybe people aren't as nervous about it, maybe people are just plain exhausted by it. But we have kept our ways the same for pretty much this entire time and it has worked for us. It has been the most mentally and emotionally exhausting thing. Not a burden for you and I hope it never will be, my loves.
During this time you both have gone through so many changes. Oliver, you had your first birthday. You learned how to walk and now you're running, jumping, climbing and giving me gray hairs! You have grown so tall. You have the best and biggest personality. You love to give hugs but you have such a temper! You try to be so independent. You love to grab everyone's hands and do a big "group hug" with your family at dinner. You do this throughout dinner and though it is repetitive and slightly disruptive it is hard to say no to a family hug and your cheesiest smile. You are learning to talk and have big opinions, just like your sister. You love to listen to music and sing. You sing along to lullabies at bedtime, after demanding that we read 1,000 books. You are obsessed with Big Ben, sheep, soft blankets the color purple and popsicles. You are so silly and so smart. Watching you grow has been one of my biggest joys. I am beyond thankful that I had special time with you in between jobs. Again, my silver lining.
Avery, you my love, just amaze me every day. I see so much kindness, so much strength and so much curiosity in you. After your 4th birthday you donated 12 inches of hair to children who can't grow their own. Never in a million years did I think I would be cutting your hair, but thanks to covid, I ended up chopping it off myself. It was a fun and a tad bit nerve-wracking experience! I didn't mess it up too bad and you were beaming with pride, as was I. You have been really into doing things that would make people happy and understanding that it doesn't necessarily mean you get anything in return. You worked so hard to earn a ball pit for Oliver when he was sick and in the hospital. You did extra chores and got him a special gift. You thought of this all on your own. You have made cards for people who have lost pets recently and who might be lonely during this Christmas season. My heart just explodes when I watch you come into your own. I love listening to your stories, the new things you learn at school and your singing voice. Your self confidence is growing, though like I said, you are your toughest critic. I hope you always know how special you are.
Last time I wrote a letter I thought this would be all over in a few months. Here I am, yet again, believing this will be over soon. Wishful thinking, perhaps. Or maybe just to keep my sanity. Either way, until next time...
Love, Mom
